I am mostly well following my gyno surgery. I ended up having the ablation, laproscopy, tubal (can’t remember the name) and the hysteroscopy as excepted as well as the endometriosis that was riddling my belly removed. My intestines were pretty glued together and everything feels very strange as it settles back in.
I am stuck back on a couple of days of strict bed rest and a reminder of how little 10lbs is after overdoing it a bit near the end of last week. 2 full weeks on half assed bed rest now and mostly I am bored of it. I either feel like NOT being in bed, or so crappy that I just want to sleep. I am tucking away some time here and there for writing though, which feels good. Mr.T and the Trifecta of Terror are at the yurt today leaving me alone in the motel. Let me tell you though, I have been dreaming about being alone for years. I have taken advantage of some mint chip ice cream, had 1000 baths and have watched plenty of movies and read several novels and slept in often.
I used to love to fill days with nobody but myself, before children, just lost in my own head. This whole experience with the surgery and recovery has felt much like a birth and newborn, except I am my own hatch-ling.
The past year has been such a year of growth for me as I have learned to advocate for myself and my health. I am becoming a better mother, by becoming a better me. I had to learn when to step down from myself. I have always had such big dreams and visions of what I should be able to do so it has been really difficult to admit defeat.
With regards to my health: I finally got to see a good Neurologist and we instantly hit it off. She feels like she can indeed help me feel better, but it might not be a straight road. I have EMG’s ordered for both of my hands and another EEG and an MRI as well. my Dr’s still don’t know what is going on but they keep throwing MS around like a 4 letter word.
My short list: Bipolar, migraines with auras, extreme trouble with heat (new the last 2 years), this weird “numb gun” sensation in the top of my neck on the right hand side that shoots off tingling zaps down my arm and spine and up around my head like an electonic spiderweb, passing out randomly (I don’t have a driver’s license anymore because of this), memory problems, and episodic pain and numbness in my hands, legs and lower back. I’m tired a lot. Sometimes the pain hurts so intensely my bra straps feel like weights and the keys in my pockets like knives. I ache like a lead blanket lays between my skin and muscles. Some mornings I wake up and the pain and stiffness is unbearable. My hands have been crippled in pain like I imagine my grandmother’s as she died. Suddenly the symptoms change as quickly as they arrive. I awake and my hands are not quite fine, but useable. Am I losing my mind?
I’ve been struggling with some of this for the last 10 years. It is hard to know what is endometriosis, how much of the chronic lower back ache, cold flashes/hot sweats, migraines, mood disorder, nausea is related to that? I have about a 40% chance of needing endo surgery again. How much is not? It’s pretty obvious that isn’t the only thing going on. To be honest, I didn’t even really register the difficulty of things (eg living in a tent with 2 boys under 5 while pregnant and your husband is 1200km away) because my internal world was so painful. I was numbed to it, in fight or flight. Being in that state of urgency kept me focused. Keeping me focused kept me in reality. Anytime the focus slipped, so did my grip. I’ve always felt like for me bipolar was more of a symptom than a diagnosis. It never answered the chronic pain, extreme fatigue, electrical storms. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do agree that I fit the diagnostic criteria for Bipolar 1, no doubt, it just doesn’t explain enough. Having a mental health crisis can be overshadowing, I guess.
I’m in a really good spot right now with my marriage, my kids, and mostly my health. I’m fitter and healthier in many ways than I have ever been in my life. At times I also feel sicker. I feel really good about this spring and settling into our little valley and becoming a more engaged part of the community. I’ve just been in survival mode for so long that it’s nice to be able to sit back and breathe a bit, I have really quite enjoyed surgery recovery. I really like all my health care givers and am feeling confident that no matter what diagnosis I end up with, my quality of life will improve. It pretty much has to. It’s looking like I am going to go to either a MS clinic or a neuro/psych clinc in Vancouver sometime this year for diagnosis, since nobody really knows what to think, and it is unlikely the MRI will give enough information.
Love to you,
Barren by 29! I must say I am pretty darn excited!
Google it! Fun fun. I forgot to add that I had to stay in the hospital for so long because it turns out I am allergic to the anti seizure med lamotrigine and ended up with lovely face/chest rash that once it started to hive and blister I was pulled off it cold turkey and kept longer. 7 days of Benydryl and all is good.
Okay, gimme the bad news.
I shit my pants.
The good news?
My belly doesn’t hurt anymore.
True parenting conversation I had this week.
So, where did I leave off? Mid November? I came back, cleaned and organized like mad while my Dr’s tried to get me into a neurologist/eeg/mri. I finally have an appt for a Neuro consult in early Feb. Things weren’t working out quickly enough to get me in before Christmas and so I was coached through how to get into the hospital through the ER to end up on the Med floor not in the psych ward so I could actually get an eeg instead of a benzo. And it worked! But the Med floor was full of the elderly and the dying and honestly I did not need to be in the hospital so to my agreement and delight I was moved to the Psych ward for the rest of my
vacationstay. It turned out to be full of interesting times, including 9 hours of oxygen in the ambulance for severe vomiting- they were threatening to put me on IV and the other patient being transferred having a heart attack. The paramedics were so on the ball I didn’t even realize what was happening at first and they had her stabilized and back to the hospital lickity split. I was 2.5 hours late for the EEG and pretty much missed the neuro appt where they told me my brain looked lesion free and I could go ahead and have the reproductive evacuation done. No clear answers from that, but nobody was really expecting there to be. It’s looking more and more like I will be spending a couple weeks at UBC in hospital having a neuro/psych eval done. Should I have a poll- neurotic, psychotic or both?
Internet time is up!
Christmas was lovely!
We are warm enough.
We are out of propane.
We are *hopefully* moving to Trail for Jan 15-April because hiking in with kids, water, wood, food, going to the laundromat, pool, etc is tricky, especially with all this health stuff.
Love to you all. I’ll try and update sooner.
PS. 158lbs baby! That’s something like 108lbs of weight loss!!!!!!
There is so much to say, I don’t know where to start.
Basically, I am either having seizures (more likely) or psychosis (less likely) and our dear friend Shannon is going to drive us home to BC, where early next week they will do an EEG and then go from there.
Mostly, things are better than ever and with the prescription adjustments I’ve had over the last month I am experiencing enough clarity to recognize that hey, maybe I am not crazy and my brain shouldn’t be a constant electrical storm where I feel like reality is time lapsed and full of strange auras and sensations. And I mean, I am open to me being totally off the wall fucking nuts, I am. I am even at peace with that. Either way, the $800 a month worth of migraine and anti psychotics and such hasn’t actually done anything but mood stabilize me to the point where I could view my brain with objectivity. I really need to be post brain check ups to comprehend all of this, but thought I would let anyone interest know, from me what is going on. I feel like I have a week to get things more sorted out, before I hit my pre ovulation experience.
I’ll update sometime next week. I am feeling rather optimistic about things right now.
At home, the new wood stove is in, the propane generator is all hooked up and running perfectly (although more loudly than the website and seller promised.) I am not really sure beyond that. Our plan is to just wing it, depending on how all the medical stuff plays out. I emailed Coach Rapper’s school and told them to send the bus for him next Wednesday morning. He needs time to adjust to the change before adding in another one. We have a hotel room booked for tomorrow night in Fort Macleod, so will be half way home then!
Looking forward to seeing Mr.T and checking out my gardens in the winter. Maybe digging out my dahlia to see if I can save them for next year.
1.5 cups of raw walnuts
1 cup roasted cashews
1/4 cup almond butter
1 tsp almond extract
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp cream of tartar
1/4 cup of water
Blend in food processor until smooth and fluffy.
Cook in a frying pan over medium low heat for a couple minutes on each side.
Totally yummy, totally easy.
I know lots of people love following detailed recipes on beautiful blogs- and I also know there are lots of busy parents out there just looking for something quick, mindless and filling that their kids will actually eat. Lots of people like to ‘cook by heart’. If this is you, I encourage you to play around with ‘paleo’ like ingredients and see what you come up with. So far going grain free has allowed me to still whip together a delicious pancake on the fly.
Today I went with:
Monday Morning Paleo-istic Pancakes
1.5 cups raw walnuts
.5 cup raw almonds
(food processor or blender about 60 seconds)
1 small banana
1/4 cup almond butter
1 tbsp vanilla
1tbsp maple syrup
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp cream of tartar
Teach it all a lesson for another minute or two.
Pre heat frying pan to medium temperature (when water droplets jump around in pan).
Cook for 90 seconds on each side.