This will take you to an awesome data visualization of the safety of the HPV VAX.
September spun by with a cool breeze and warm sun. This morning was first frost. A light one, but definitely a frost. My green tomatoes hang heavy with my first bumper crop, I think I wasn’t aggressive enough in pruning them back this year and they became quite the jungle. Towards fall when I was worrying about this day coming I started ripping off new blooms and excess growth. I did this twice earlier in the summer as well. The compost alone I’ve gained from all the tomato greens has certainly paid for the transplants. I am looking forward to ‘harvesting’ my compost in the spring. I must tell you that the compostable chip bags do not compost in 18 months and made last years compost unready this spring.
The kids and I are heading off hopefully this weekend for a few blissful weeks of water and central heat and fun city things to do. We will be in internet zone for almost a month, so hopefully I can get back in the swing of blogging.
Mr.T is going to juggle some building work for us and for a neighbour and we will come home when our laundryroom/family closet/bathroom is built. I’ll warn you, it’s gonna be rustic.
We will be back in the Kootenays for November for sure since I am having the following surgeries- Laparoscopy, Bilateral Salpungectomy, Hysterosypy, Ablation and possible removal of endo/hysterectomy. I’m planning on watching the surgeries on You Tube, but haven’t gotten the chance yet. If you’ve been through any of these and are feeling chatty- fill me in. So far, the big question for me is “Is that going to make my belly button hurt?”
Oddly, the Gyno told me that that isn’t what most women ask, they are usually more worried about the scraping down/removal of internal organs. I however am pretty darn excited about missing out on 30 more years of menses!
Coach Rapper is enjoying school. He is in love with his teacher who he describes as “slim and beautiful with long blond hair”. It’s true, she is lovely, and very sweet. I met her today and the adoration is mutual. We are having a few little hiccups along the way as my little man works out the big bad world of social dynamics of the school bus, including a marshmallow gun going off right into his eye with some nasty swelling and our nieghbour and his little friend deciding he is “bored” of sitting with him. He is rolling with the punches though and comes home happy with his day, and lots of questions.
Well, I better be going home right away, it’s almost 11pm!
If you were an animal you would be a sparrow
wild and free
split tailed and tornadoing downwards
in a spiral of glory
you would know where old time wheat grows wild
in ghost farms of the rural south
content in the gabels of a composting barn
you know the weary arms of a farm woman; modern day
work undone even after all these years.
Show me your prize roses, still in bloom,
Show me your peach preserves.
You are a woman, soft and warm.
Yield to love, love is unyielding.
Suddenly, as I was driving my mood lifted and I felt genuinely happy, a calm happy, safe secure.
Finally. It’s been 6 days since I have felt much of anything, which was a mixed blessing. I just had a fairly major medication overhaul. The first few mornings I awoke with a weight in my heart and by late morning felt emotionally flattened which stayed for several hours. Then I was hit by how productive I felt.
Last month during my cycle I just didn’t post for 3 weeks. During those weeks, I had a darkness. Everything felt clouded with grief and my chest ached. Nothing had changed around me. Plenty of things changed inside me. I have Bipolar Mood Disorder. Which basically I have had two major depressions and one major manic period. To me, it doesn’t feel like a mood disorder- it feels like an energy disorder. Lucky? For me my moods have a bit of a schedule:
When I ovulate Severe migraines with auras. Hyper sensitive to criticism. Weepy.
A few days later- really “up” mood, go go go, edgy, snappy. I start getting OCD about this time- about whatever I happen to be into at the time. Usually in a productive way.
After a few days of high production, little sleep I fall into a darkness. I ache. I retain water. I am cold all the time. Migraine auras bring me in and out of consciousness, the pain is so intense. I have great difficulty paying attention to my surroundings. I just want to sleep. I must surely die, I think. For 3-4 days I am in agony and misery. It hits like a wave.
People tell me that I don’t seem bipolar to them.
That’s because I stay away from people I know when I am depressed. My moods change so quickly that only after 14 years of menstruation have I finally begun to chart in detail.
The last 7 years have been insane, with 5 pregnancies (two early miscarriages, which I am at peace with, but mentioning because that was a special hormonal roller coaster in and of itself) and continuous nursing. During my first miscarriage, I was just 20 and Mr. T and I were relatively new to our relationship. I went crazy. Totally bat shit crazy. I tried to use mind control to plead people to help me. I wanted to die. I felt as though I was dying. I had severe constant nausea and vertigo and completely delusional that the baby must not have died. There was some mistake. I now know I was rapid cycling and had amazingly severe migraines.
I was convinced deep inside that I was schizophrenic (which heck, maybe I am) and I was scared as hell. My brain was constantly moving, flipping through images like a Rolodex. Mr. T yelled and stomped his feet and was generally angry to be around.
Mr. T and I parted ways for almost a year shortly after that. I think we were both scared of how badly the whole thing went down.
I tried to find Jesus with all of my heart. I opened it all the way up. When I couldn’t find Jesus I looked for God.
I felt immense solace in communion and prayer. I went to church several times a week and to a bible study here and there.
Months later, after a 10 day silent Buddhist retreat I found atheism, which has been a comfort to me over the years.
During the Buddhist retreat I found the solace I was looking for in meditation.
I also came to terms with the fact that I would marry Mr.T, and left the retreat no longer resenting him, much. We had not spoken to one another for ages.
I didn’t even really like him. Seriously.
But I was drawn to him and I swear, we are just starting to like each other now- and it’s been 8 years. We share the same vision, and we just happen to be the person who is in the others perfect future, so I suppose we rode it out hoping we would get to where we are now, still alive and still married.
I am sharing my story upon multiple requests. I am at a place where I can write about it now. I didn’t write, journal, take may pictures, make art for most of my motherhood journey. I was just too damn tired. I don’t regret it really, because I carry it here in my heart. And there is a lot I have forgotten and would rather keep that way. I’m at a place where I don’t need to be worried about. I have a great doctor, a supportive husband, amazing parents and extended support. After 7 months of mood stabilizing meds, the cocktail still isn’t quite right. I cycle between low production and high production and feeling like I am dying and like it might possibly be the best day of my life. I’m sorta striving for the middle ground, which is a bit confusing, because there are days truly, many of them, where I feel exceptionally great, and in between I’m very good at faking it, which feels like many tiny little lacerations on my spirit. Other days I can’t get out of bed.
I’m pretty sure that pre puberty I was quirky, but not yet crazy. At 16 I went on the pill because I was having really bad cycles. Right before and during my period I had/have hot and cold flashes, aching kidney feeling, nausea, migraine auras (which I just just figured out what they were. At that time I thought everyone’s vision was like that. I frequently have had the sensation I am going blind and dark bars slide in from the side. For me auras are strobing lights, bars, boxes. A true aura of fading rainbow colours around objects. I have a strong sensation of dejavu and the feeling of watching the scene from outside of it. I frequently have a hard time telling what was reality and what was an idea or dream. I see things move out of the corner of my eye and hear buzzes, beeps and other non specific sounds. Today I swore I could hear a cat meowing loudly, but the kids swore it was quiet. I’m pretty sure most of this is migraine related, because I have some rx meds for migraines that take care of all of these symptoms.
I literally feel like I am going insane after a few days of migraines. Last month I waited 17 days of on again off again migraines until I went to the ER and begged for help. The little dissolve in your mouth discs cost $20-$60 per dose, depending on if the first ones work, or the migraine comes back 8-12 hours later. I am having a brain freeze on what it is called….Even after I have taken it, it is still extremely difficult to keep my attention focused.
And so I did. Tentatively at first. Nothing. I filled my lungs and sucked for all I was worth, afraid my throat would fill with a choking gush. I pulled away. Nothing. Then. There. It. Was.
Water. My water. Sweet, clear, cold, quick water. I laughed at the cleverness of myself.
I have scars for this water, don’t give me water? I’ll find my own dam water! I crowed to myself. I was beginning to think my survival instincts were a little more fine tuned than I had previously thought. My pond is doubling, tripling in size. My garden is erupting around it. Water drips down newly exposed rocks and roots washing away clay and pebbles to the pond below. Unpretentiously moss blooms puddled gently among the stones.
Later the same day the water is still not flowing. I can’t get the gravity fed to work properly, even though everything looks the same to me as when Mr.T sets it up. I admit it is the third time I have taken it out. I like to dig. What can I say?
I am making a public promise to not take out the water line so I can dig there. There are lots of other places to dig.
Dammit, and I was feeling soooo goooood and sooo cocky about my mad water skillz.
BBQing last night was an epic fail. I made a propane fire in the BBQ. After I had burned off the grill I returned to find the third knob blown off the BBQ and opened it to find one of the burners had dropped down, I am assuming from the heat? And fire was pouring out of it because it was stuck ON. I ran up the hill calling calmly for Mr.T to run down and fix things.
Later he asked what the first thing to do when having a problem with a gas sourced appliance.
No. I did not turn off the propane tank when I ran away worried it might explode.
I should complain about him less. He is pretty useful.
I’ve enclosed some shots of the Yurt on the day we arrived. Things are looking pretty different now, I’ve moved the kitchen around and it’s much greener. I’ll post new pics as soon as I pick up the box of stuff we left behind when we moved from the Bus Station in Nelson.
The cool of the morning is now respite from the heat of the day. It takes until mid afternoon for the Yurt to heat up, and then the warmth of the hot afternoon sun is a gift for the cold mountain night. This morning I could see my breath in bed. This afternoon I sunburned my shoulders.
Despite having just a single burner on a Coleman stove right now (need to go harass Wild Bill soon) and a cooler I feel like I’ve been making fantastic food.
1lb cooked roast beef cut into thin strips.
Pan fry in a 2tbsp butter until well browned.
Add a couple knuckles of finely grated ginger; I use a rasp.
2 good sloshes of Tamari. A glop of honey.
Serve to admiring crowd. Everybody (as in all 3 kids too!) loved this.
Again, 2 tbsp of butter in the frying pan with a bit of grated ginger to make the air fragrant.
2tbsp Thai Kitchen Mild Green Curry Paste (hey, busy mama here!)
1 family sized sweet potato- peeled and sliced in rounds- pan fry in the butter, ginger and curry paste until toasty brown. Flip.
top with 1/2 a large cauliflower, cut into pieces
cook until veg’s soften, turn heat down
add a dash of Tamari, 2tbsp peanut butter and 1/2 cup of heavy cream.
Top with chopped fresh cilantro.
Mmm. His Lordship, whom by formal request will henceforth be known as The Evil Wizard (way more fitting anyway) wouldn’t try it but Coach Rapper and #3 loved it.
I added cashews, but those were not well received by my taste testers.